I sit here with my little sister, watching her fly through level two of Turok: Evolution. Today has been very relaxing.

I succumbed to the damn temptation again, and the whole day was rather disorganized and unproductive, and I'm so damn tired, and I still intend to watch a movie before I go to bed tonight, but hey, tomorrow is my first day off since school started! I can sleep in! I need not worry sobre nada! Ole!

Took Kate and Maddie for a walk around the neighborhood (mostly in the dark) tonight.

Maddie: Pat, I have something to ask you. Do you still like Heather?

Me: I don't know. What do you think?

Kate: Well, if she broke up with you, you probably still like her, at least a little bit like a friend.

Me: And if I broke up with her?

Maddie: Hey, you didn't answer my question.

My little sisters are quite bright :)

Yesterday I squandered the afternoon screwing around with temptation. Today I resolved to do much better.

The Civil War Museum beneath Soliders & Sailors Monument was ok. Nothing special. The War Memorial, however, was really something. I ended up going through by myself because everyone else just wanted to screw around and eat. At least some other people can appreciate these things (LIsa & Aaron).

It's not that I'm all bent on getting an "educational experience" out of everything; I'm not. It's just, if you're going to be in a nice place, you ought to take the time to appreciate the niceness of it rather than just trying to screw around same-old same-old.

All I want is to play around with someone that likes me; it's the one thing I don't have in my life anymore. But do I get a choice about it? No. I suppose that's partly a source of my bitterness. But then, I've never been gung-ho about casual jacking around.

I'm serious by nature. I take things seriously. I can loosen up and have fun, but I have to have some serious commitment first before I can do that, at least for it to last anyway.

That makes me quite rare.

Or one of six billion. Common as dirt.

I would do anything for some fun, but unfortunately, that's not really my choice. Besides, I wouldn't do anything, and that's the whole point. That's why I'm sitting here miserable lol.

And getting bitched at by a girl I walked with once.

I worked over the application process with IU online. The digital application actually collects less information than the paper one. What the Hell is that?

I think I'm going to have a "finalized" draft of the first article tomorrow. It's time to start showing these things to the world.

Somehow I ended up getting someone else's e-mail. It appears someone else got mine. I immediately switched e-mail addresses.

As I awoke I felt like dying. I didn't want to school. I'm deprived of sleep, and the lack of the z-factor is tearing into my soul, ripping it to pieces. Definitely I need to catch up sometime.

We went downtown to the statehouse today, a beautiful building. I'm split between feeling grand and lonely; in the presence of my friends (and Heather), I feel, well, only half-there.

The world seems to be falling down. Jason and Shelley, Mike and his dad, Mom and Andy, Heather and...

But I'm still standing up. I try to help, but not a lot of people want me to. THEN QUIT BITCHING ABOUT YOUR GODDAM LIVES!!!

At times, you either put up or shut up, and I say that with all the kindness and compassion of a sweet 17 year old boy turned bitter, broken by the loss of love.

I threw together the new Drug-Free Marion County website in 90 minutes. Damn, I'm good.

Dad got Subway for dinner; that's what I had for lunch. I ended up with only a 6" sandwich. Full of peppers.

Hey, I kind of like peppers.

But a 6" sub ain't dinner damn it!

I love Linux :)

Just wish I had...

Shouldn't say that.

Oh, I wish so, if only...

But alas...

Tear...

The tear that tears...

Tears me apart.

I found out I wasn't one of them. It happened suddenly; I didn't expect it. Of course, I knew it all along; I just couldn't bring myself to believe it-- but I always knew I was different. I was different because I cared.

That's not to say they didn't care; I'm sure they did, and still do. It's just that I cared about it in a different way. Things were important to me that never were to them. "Little" things. They focused on big, trying to trump each consecutive action in consecutive grandeur. I began and stayed small, trying to keep everything under control and simple.

Though to me, those little things were always more enjoyable anyway.

I watched a murder trial today. I spent some time talking to Heather. I've done my best to stay ahead on schoolwork. I gave the chess sets and cards; it worked out really well once the games got started. One deck gone already though. I just hope the kids get enjoyment out of them. I look forward to this program.

It's kind of what I'm about. People there are more real. You don't have as much snobbishness and prissy bitching; sure, you have all the junior high antics and skirmishes, and there are quite a few, maybe more, but at least the people are fucking real, or close to it. Maybe not quite; I'm sure it's no paradise either, but at least it's something different from the world I was raised in.

I finished There Eyes Were Watching God tonight. One of three books to ever make me cry. The only book I wasn't quite sure why I cried. Yes, what happened in the end was tragic, but she had so much, so beautifully, and we all die sometime, and she certainly burned the wick before the candle got blown out.

I'm not writing well. I should be. I spend too much lolligagging anymore. I really need to get things out of control.

Into control, I mean. See?

So much to do, so little time. Target: love. Aim: high. Miss: who cares? What's important is to try.

God, if only you wouldn't have tossed me from paradise.

I might still be happy. I might still be at home.

Home: where the heart is.

Patrick's home: Nowhere, not even in Maine.

Here I begin what is likely my 20th journal in as many weeks. I find myself unable to concentrate on one specific thing anymore, which is partly because of a wandering mind and partly a fault of too much stress ripping me to pieces inside and partly the fault of losing the one thing in my life I wanted.

Today is going to be different.

I say that often; so often, in fact, it seems to have lost much of its meaning. Effective immediately I announce my intention to restore that meaning, and give dignity back to the phrase which has lost so much over the past year.

Oh, I know the change can't be instantaneous, but it needs to be something, and by starting now I am one step closer.

You know, come to think of it, I'm not going to begin a new journal; I'm going to keep things right here like they always were, or at least have been for the past while. But I'm also going to keep my cards close to my chest.

I feel such a tremendous well of pressure inside me; I know I'm going to explode soon if I don't 1) get everything done or 2) find some form of release. I just-- a combination of high anxiety and depression and just general bad feeling, and if I don't find a way out, it's going to destroy me.

I said awhile back I'd settle for a weekend vacation to the Alps with the girl that I love; while I still think a mountain cabin would be nice, I'm past even the "just two hours" mark now. In fact, I don't even know about a hug and kiss; I think merely a long hug would be fine right now.

God am I desperate. But oh, this is living!

Living is waking up and feeling like you're dead, going to school and being stressed, fighting with your feelings of inadequacy and loneliness and struggling against a potent sexuality that only makes you more miserable by the day, only to come home to a Hellish house to be bitched at and let down but at least I got the car started turns out the damn gear wasn't in park but anyway work for awhile and then take a walk and then you're back at home to go get pizza and that's well and good but then you go out to buy chess sets for a dollar and after an hour you conclude they're going to cose you four and you over-fill the tank with gas and generally look like an idiot and go home feeling stupid but it's not that bad because the big disk of the moon is out and it's beautiful and the cool night air is a treat to breathe and there's so many pretty girls but...

But it all really doesn't matter if you don't have that shining star in your life, or if that shining star that was there has faded away.

With her, no amount of stress or situation is unconquerable...

Without her, you're SOL.

Sunday

Feeling overwhelmed at all the work. First, tried to get the computer working all weekend. Apparently, I succeeded, but with little time for anything else.

Well, I've got a lot of homework to finish, so this will be short, but I feel the need to get an entry in. Tomorrow I'll start again in earnest.

This weekend was ok. I had soccer Saturday, and then the game at the dome. It was so-so. Mike came home with me and spent the night; he's not doing so well.

Today was Brooks and Erica's birthday party. Then I had a soccer game, and then I fixed up the computer.

I've got so much to take care of. Tomorrow it starts. I'm just trying not to fall behind in Calculus especially and to a lesser extent all my other classes.