Broken Friday

Sometimes the soul gets cracked, and when it starts to be split, the pain runs very deep.

Such has been my life recently. Something I thought I rid myself of long ago has come back to haunt me, and now I feel more alone in the world than ever.

That is ok, for I am strong, and while the demon may be strong now as well, that will not always be the case. I have stamina, and I will endure. The force of the past cannot but blow against my face, and perhaps make me cry, but never can it bring me back.

I couldn't go back if I wanted to.

Sometimes I wish I could.

Life has been very hard recently, and I've been struggling with some things I've fought against since the very beginning. I've been fighting this war for years now, almost five, and the tide has never turned for long in my favor. For one reason or another, I could never achieve victory-- perhaps at first I was too mesmerized by the newness of the whole thing, and then it was pride, and then maybe nihilism, and finally addiction that entreched itself. In any case, though, the time has come to split forever.

I know what is right, and what is wrong. I realize I have made some very big mistakes, but it's never too late to correct them; at least, I cannot give up now. While I feel old, I am young, and I wonder what I think often when I behave as if my life is over at 17.

My problem is no longer the morality; I got past right or wrong long ago. Or did I? Recently, I seem only trying to justify myself one way or another, to say I play to fate for this or that but never trying to seek the truth anymore.

I must step up and shine the light in the dark corner of my soul, and see all that I can.

I've installed Mandrake 9 Tertiary Release Candidate. This is going to be my new operating system until it quits on me; I plan to harness the power of GNOME 2 and Evolution and the updated, integrated Mozilla/OpenOffice to achieve a whole new optimal way of doing things. This is going to a Hell of a lot of work, but I think I can do it. I'm quite tired though, now, and I think I'll do some configuration before I sleep.

Hopefully I'll be able to get everything in order tomorrow.

Raining Tears

A typical bad day. No, I got what I wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted-- or at least, something happened to make me not want it, but really I only realized that, I didn't want it in the first place anyway.

Oh well. Tomorrow will be better. I'll pop Mandrake 9 RC3 in, at the very least.

Inconclusive.

Tired. Should have answer but we'll see.

So it's late, and I'm very tired, and I should be in bed, and yet here I am, writing, mindlessly, waiting to stay up for mom to get off the phone so that I could enter this in when I don't even care. So obviously, I do care somehow. I just don't know quite how yet.

My writing sucks. That's been established from the revising of these scholarship essays.

I ended up going to Farrington today. That was good, but next time I'll bring some chess sets. Athletics just aren't my thing.

Do you need anybody?

I just need someone to love.

Could it be anybody?

I want somebody to love.

Enough bullshit. Charge onward, Patrick! This is now life.

Another Day Anew

So it's Monday, and I didn't get enough sleep, and I'm tired, and stressed, and I only get progressively more busy as time goes on rather then less, with no end in sight.

I intend to go to bed early, after writing this, but I must finish those damn scholarship essays. I also have to rewrite the pro-sex guide tomorrow; it's far too shitty in its present condition.

Heather gave me a beautiful poem today; more on that later.

For now, I'll mulk in my stress and see what happens, hopefully getting something done. What the Hell kind of a word is mulk? Oh, I knew I shouldn't have logged on AIM...

But wait, I'm enjoying this. Hey asswad tightass-- fuck off!

How Many Times?

How many times must the little man fail

Before he can at once succeed?

Ever?

Never?

Ceasing

Clever

Oy, what a bad day!

Tomorrow marks the beginning of another love affair. Oh, how ironic [dry sarcasm].