I Give Up

It's gone on too long. I just can't do it anymore. Tonight I had two "chances" to fuck up, and they both stood me up.

That's the last time! God damn!

From now on I insist on committment. Sorry if you don't like it, bitch, but I just can't deal with the moral slutting it around anymore. I need people to be honest and love me for who I am or not love me at all. None of this double-talk bitch back-stabbing shit that has so permeated my life for so long before.

Hey bitch... Fuck off!

Ah, feels good to get that out of the system once in awhile ;)

Got off soccer early today. Didn't matter, because I just fucked around and didn't really accomplish anything. But it's a start; I'm so tired of being screwed over, I think I may finally have the secret. Maybe not, but hey, it's a shot, and that's all I can ask for...

Stupid Day

Today was supposed to be the day things worked out and it wasn't. From early morning practice to forgetting my political science homework to a C- on the Physics quiz to a non-eventful ultimately unfulfilling afternoon, life really sucks.

And today was supposed to be the day! Damn!

Long Story Short: A Tough Pill to Swallow

Heather and I patched things over today, but in some ways I only regret the loss more. We did have a nice talk during Prime Time, and a bit of old times at the tailgate party, but still I feel... Well... If only things could have gone differently...

Yet little has changed. I just did the same stupid thing today I've done a million times before, but had so far avoided doing up through this week. I'm super-tired, and my work isn't done, and I'm just going to bed. Oh well.

Thus Hell Week ends, not with a resolution, but a mere passing. Of course, there was a closing of sorts, but that's just arbitrary. I don't know. I'll figure everything out tomorrow.

Beautiful Day

Somehow the productivity level has managed to pick up. These early morning practices are killing me, but I'm surviving. Danny read my first article, "When Am I Ready?". He liked it, a very good sign. Perhaps this crazy little plan will work after all.

I wrote the second article, "The Sexiness of Virginity", in the bank woods after school today. Such a nice day outside. Anyway, I was walking home to dad's and lo and behold there's Grandma. I ended up doing a soccer game tonight when there weren't supposed to be any soccer games... Hmmm... Very strange...

Life is hard, but I'm getting through it. I have a lot of work to do, and I need to make sure I keep up my grades in addition to everything else I'm doing on the side, but I'm getting there. One day all this effort will really pay off, and I'll be thankful for it. Until then, well, I'm too busy to care all that much.

I would have liked to spend more time admiring the roses and pretty girls, but wouldn't we all? Life isn't measured by how much you want; the balance is predicated on how much you get done.

Heather and I actually talked today. We may have the little discussion tomorrow; I figure, why the Hell not? The twelth before the thirteenth is as good a day as any. Plus, what a conclusion to Hell Week!

Oh, so much to do, and yet, so much is getting done. I just must keep up my efforts even with my journal so that all is recorded and I can look back later in satisfaction. Otherwise, I fear I could be quite unhappy indeed.

But I'm not really afraid anymore. In fact, I'm pretty damn confident in what I do. The past year really shook my faith, but now that I've been shaken, I stand taller, walk stronger, and generally make clearer decisions. I know what I want out of life now; that I don't have it is acceptable, for I will one day, and this universe isn't about immediate gratifcation. In fact, that's practically an oxymoron.

My writing skills will certainly improve here, between the artciles for the website and the scholarship essays and then this journal itself. My organizational skills will improve as well, hopefully, for certainly up until the present they have been extremely lacking. I would rather be a little disorganized, though, than to lose my creativity. Ideally, of cousre, you have both, but that's not always the case.

Sometimes in life you have to choose about things. I don't view that as a bad thing, though. Hell, I haven't been spoiled enough to see that as awful! I'm always grateful to get a choice myself, personally.

Life goes on. What I'd really like is a hug, but then, there's no one to hug me. So be it. Can't have what you want all the time, lest you get wimpy.

I am strong. I was almost broken totally once, but now I am near-whole, and not so easily destroyed.

Fitting that a rainbow floated through the sky today, at least the lower shaft of one.

Continuing Adventure

Hmmm... The stage band listening assignment was actually harder than I suppose... One because I waited until the last minute... Two because after six years of band I still have trouble distinguishing a trombone from a saxophone... Three because I have no skill at music analysis anyway, or so it appears...

You would also think I'd never refereed a soccer game, let alone been doing it six years, judging from all the lectures I've been getting. I mean, Ken re-explained ADVANTAGE to me tonight, for crying out loud. I think I can fucking handle it, thanks.

Hey, guess what? The night I finally go to BW-3's, the guys aren't there. Oh, the bitter irony. Cost me 8 bucks, though. Damn.

I typed up the first article for the website today, on "Going farther." I'll address the next subject tomorrow, "The Sexiness of Virginity."

I'm rather tired, but then, I'm not sleeping super well. Which reminds me-- I did have a dream two nights back, where I was conversing with Danny, theologian, over religion, where I came to the great realization that the difference between man and God was that God didn't have free will, He had to be God, and so that brought such a great precious gift of freedom to man... I don't know... It seemed much more illuminating in the dream... And then there was some corpse-burying afterwards, or was it before? Oh, who knows?

Hopefully this busy life pays dividends, is all I have to say. I would hate to go through all this shit I've had to deal with and not end up with something good. I mean, I was plenty happy before, and then all that shit happened, and at least I'm finally starting to regain my balance-- and be balanced-- but there's still a long way to go.

I spent much of the afternoon pre-soccer talking to myself. Who else is there to listen?

Ah, life; your bitter surprises and occasional overwhelming pure goodness never fail to amuse me.

Nor those personal ads on High School Club lol. I suppose I'm a part of that, but it's "research"... Right?

Eventually, I'll find my Queen of the Universe. And that's not just an honorific-- she really needs to be that damn special. Or I'll end up a priest :)

See, that's what I figure: oh, sure, you can crush on all types of girls, but you're only going to really really really fall for one, and that's the one you're supposed to marry. At least, you may have many loves, but once you make that marraige commitment, whoa, final, now it's time to seal the bond forever.

Well, the cynical child in me asked the question, "What if I find love and then she dies?" (I've always been an optimist.) Well, I decided, I had always wanted to be a priest before, and then, well, I don't think I'd fall in love again ("Plus, when you go to heaven, who are you with, then?") so I thought I'd just take holy orders and devote my life to that. Not a bad plan so far as I can tell...

I've certainly had ideas dumber.

Well, I feel better than yesterday. It's hard when you have to comfort yourself, but then, having that special someone to do it all for you makes you lazy... Not really, you feel so much better and you're jumping off walls and singing beautiful songs because you're in love and that's fucking awesome and God...

But it's not always possible, and you need to learn to live with you. Hell, I can, and it's pretty easy... Oh, we have a few temptations here and there, but... And by "we" I mean "me"... Sometime I need to shake that habit... It's getting really bad...

Anyway, it's pretty late and I'm very tired; I probably ought to be closing out now. I'll write more tomorrow.

Duh. You knew that. I knew that.

My advice: be a patriot; don't turn on your TV. We don't need any disrespectful bullshit aired all day like you know it will be.

Goodnight world.

The Heart of the Beast

God. I'm so busy today. I just signed off AIM; too many people trying to talk to me. Let's see: I got up for early morning practice, I worked all day at school except for a Prime Time chess match with Ross, I got the Wells Scholar application from guidance, I drove to 46th and Keystone for a meeting with Randy, I raced back home to go do soccer, barely making it because I drove 30th street back, and now I have not only the scholarship application to fill out but also I need to complete this paper for the website.

I'm feeling very rushed and I know I need to take my time but I'm also feeling like I need to push it and push ahead and get things done. I'm very torn emotionally, because I want to do good work, but I know it may also take a significant amount of time-- too much time. And I've got such a full plate already, and I'm only taking more on...

Making me a moron. Hardy-har-har.

But seriously, I hope this workload doesn't kill me. It's a Hell of a lot. Brings to mind what Steve said this summer: should have a girlfriend to destress. Ah, that rings so true.

Course, being alone, it doesn't help any; only makes me more miserable, but hey...

No, I'm not miserable. I do wish I had someone I could talk to. Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be keeping this stupid journal online. But oh well. You don't get to choose it all. Or even most of it.

Ugh. I've got so much work to do, and so little time to do it. But I'll hang in there. I'm going to get these things done. I will do it. I will survive. And when I finally do have that special someone at my side that understands, that will make it all worthwhile.

Until then, I must grit my teeth and chug through it.

I need more quiet in my life. I need more time to do the things I want to do. And yet, I'm so ridiculously busy, I don't know how I'll ever have the time to do them. That's ok though; I'll get with it. I will surely find a way through this life or I will perish. Duh. Obviously.

And it's only the middle of Hell Week... But hey! It's the middle of Hell Week!

I suppose now is about the time where I get tested. But it's not always bad; tests can be very stressful, but if you pass with flying colors... Of course, if you fail...

I'm feeling there's so much work to do I shouldn't be taking the ten minutes out of my day to relax and write this. What the Hell is wrong with me, when I really have that little time? I'm way too stressed. I need to take a break from it all. This is getting ridiculous. Yes, my life is hard, but it's not that hard. Other people are much worse off than me. For God's sake, I need to calm down and get with the program.

Really, a girlfriend would make these things so much easier. I mean, in actuality, probably not. But, being single, and somewhat romantically inclined-- at least what passes for romantic inclination with me-- I definitely do have these fantasies, and holding them tight against my chest as I suffer this quiet desperation can't hurt. In fact, it's quite comforting-- because I know that somehow, someway, one day I'm going to find her, and then I'll be quite a happy man.

...I'm helping Kate with her pre-Algebra. Sometimes it's enlightening to show the workings of the world to children.

Ah, well, here I am alone again.

Here I am again on my own...

Goin' down the only road I've ever known...

Like a twister, I was born to walk alone...

...I've made up my mind

I ain't wastin' no more time...

Dang. I couldn't even remember my PIN number for the public library. Now I'm really losing it.

Eagerly I await the release of Mandrake 9. Candidate 2 just came out; that means its not more than 10 days away. However, I have so much to do...

Tonight I'm just going to close with some tidying. Tomorrow I will begin the ass-kicking.

I know my past entries have been incoherent, but it's time to stop worrying about them. What's done is done. Now is the time to concentrate on the future, and the quality that will bring, which is only good insofar as I implement it now... Oh fuck... Too much on my mind, buffer overflow... But no one even fucking cares.

Oh well. That's why this week's such Hell.

I'm a Loser

And I've lost someone who's close to me... Good song. Now it's Hell Week, Day Three. First, we had initation by depression (Friday). Then, the outdoor inferno (Saturday). Today? Trap by loneliness.

And yet I survived! Hooray! Not really. I'm just being melodramatic so it seems as though I have something to celebrate. Really, though, I did get up by 9:45 this morning, quite an achievement I dare say. So I spent about an hour looking at college choices, and narrowed it down to six:

• IU/Wells Scholarship (getting paid to go to school sounds good to me lol)
  
• Earlham
  
• Macalester
  
• Kalamazoo
  
• Oberlin
  
• Grinnell

Obviously, Earlham and IU are my top two, but I figure I'd do well enough at any of the other four schools if they gave me a decent enough cash offer. None of them "speak" to me all that much, and of course St. John's did but look where that got me.

Unfortunately, I seem unable to keep my concentration (I say this while holding an IM convo lol), and ended up playing multi-player Magic for longer than I should have, but oh well. Then it was a long wait for lunch at Ponderosa, but I did manage to finish my reading of The Iliad. Then I went back to dad's, drove to mom's, and gathered up my materials to go outside down to the second secret place and write the first article for my website project (finally!). I just finished it this evening, but so far, so good. Things are really looking up.

Of course, there was an unforunate U-16 Rec-Plus game in between the beginning and end of my article, and I had to center, and the guys from Carroll were not very good, very violent and it was just a mess. But oh well: $25 ain't all that bad.

You know, I already get so frustrated keeping this journal. See, like now, I'm talking with this person, and my mind is split, and maybe I could just solve the problem and say, not log into AIM when I'm going to write my journal, but I don't know. It's like I was downloading the Mandrake 9 Release Candidate and was going to install that and it's like Patrick what the Hell are you doing?

Larry Wall may be the most insightful programmer to have ever lived. Ok, tie him with Torvalds, Stallman, and Jobs... Maybe Jobs... I don't really know much about him... Certainly not Gates... But anyway, of course there's the very moving "There's more than one way to do it" essay... But also, I read some Q&A with him on slashdot and the idea of the defining idea being center-centric rather than border-limiting... My God! Brilliant! I love it! The heart is in the core, not the outer region!

But here it is again: I just feel I'm spewing mindless bullshit without regard for quality and who's going to want to read this crap? And here I go again...

Maybe I should just stop for the evening. I obviously exhausted my creativity writing that damn article (14 pages-- 14 articles... coincidence? I think not!)

But I'll leave you with one line:

That girl will be the end of you, Patrick.

Yes, but it will be the start of something so much better than either of us alone.