Hell Week Begins
Unfortunately, it is rare in life that we actually get what we want. Such has certainly been the case for me. I find myself alone now in a dark valley, no fire anywhere, desperately searching for a way out.
There is no way out, only in.
But where am I going?
I've debated about doing this for a long time-- a public journal-- and I suppose I'm more or less still undecided, as with many things right now in my life. But I know this: enough is enough.
Over the past few days I've gradually been assembling my old digital journal entries into one giant file, following a general trend of consolidating and eliminating the baggage that I've accumulated over the past several years of my life. I just can't stand it anymore; there's too much stuff, and I don't want any of it. So I'm doing what I can to be rid of it, but even in the process of destruction I find that my mind wavers, and often I am unable to make any decision at all.
There are some problems I have struggled with for quite a long time: two I am thinking of now in particular. The one has tormented me since before high school, and I have had, oh, say, three years to correct it, but no. Well, that is going to change, and that is the purpose of Hell Week. The other problem is relatively more recent, although it is approaching the dozen months also, and I would be remiss if I didn't do something about it, such as, oh, say, what is in my heart to do. And of course I must discover where I'm going to college, in addition to keeping up with all my other responsibilities of school/work/indepedent study/webmastering.
It's not easy, but then, I wouldn't want it to be.
Here's the problem: I don't have enough of what I want right now, and it's killing me. Because I've done work like this before, and gotten along plenty fine, had few troubles at all. Of course, I had problems, but they didn't matter; I was still happy. Not so today. So again, Hell Week.
Very stressful. Life is very stressful-- but only so if you make a big deal about it, which I certainly do. And I understand that sometimes I just get ridiculous-- but damn it, you have to care about something/someone. You can't just go through life like some blundering fool without a care in the world and expect to be happy in the end. Not me, anyway.
I can't help it that I dream big sometimes. I can't help getting crazy sometimes. I can't even avoid getting excited-- but then, given the choice, I wouldn't want to. That's who I am! How could I be anyone else?
The only problem with all this bitter seriousness is that in some ways, I've lost most of my friends. People don't understand me. Now I've always been very misunderstood, and that's largely my fault, because I'm not the best communicator, but when I've really taken the time to get to know someone and open myself up-- well, then things work out quite well. And that's the kind of intimate relationship I want, anyway. Having people to joke and screw around with is fun, but it's not enough. It's in my heart to connect, and that connection can take the form of a joke/gag/"meaningless" act... But none of that means anything if the relationship-- and, more importantly, the person-- means nothing.
Now obviously, I'm not the most caring person in the world, and I don't do a lot of screwing around... well, not like other people; I just do it differently. But what that means is, when I finally do find something who understands (or at least I think so), I am happier than a cloud on a summer's day. Or something dumb like that. There's a reason I don't usually write poetry. But in any case, to me, it's better to have something understood and perhaps a bit "serious" than to have something flippant and airy. "I would rather go through life with two close friends than 20 'friends.'"
This itself leads to a problem, though, because if you insist on commitment where there is no one to commit, you lose your ability to play around and de-stress. This is not good. But sometimes in life, we don't get what we want, and we can only hope that by sticking true to what we believe as best we can the promised fantasy will eventually come-- that one day it won't be fantasy anymore, but the reality.
See, what would be wonderful right now is to get home from Pizza Hut tonight after the game and be able to rest well and actually sleep without being an insomniac for once. But what would be even better would be after soccer tomorrow, spending an hour or two-- two would be really nice, and I'm dreaming, so I can do that-- making out with the girl I love. And I can do that without being sleazy because that mutual understanding of who we are is already there-- we're together, and we've talked, and talked, and talked ad infinitum, and so now we can relish the hot dog of life. God, that was horrible. But you see my point.
Of course, having an equation is wonderful, but with no number to plug in, life's quite empty.
But here's the thing: sometimes the glass needs to be emptied before you're ever going to understand what's going on. Sure, having everything you want is nice, but if you don't understand the constituent parts, how ever are you going to be able to really appreciate what it is?
Now this brings up an interesting dilemma. See, we have this idea in life that you should learn from other people's mistakes, and that's good. I fully believe in that. However, we also have this concept that other people can be wrong, and perhaps you shouldn't always be so trusting, and sometimes you have to just find out for yourself. I agree with that, too. Now the question is: which do you follow?
Of course, we like to seek a blanket logical answer for everything, but oftentimes that's not the case. Unfortunately. Wouldn't it be nice if it was? But no, that would take the wonder and magic out of existence, the joy of being. But wait! If you're feeling cynical like me, there will be no such joy, and then what do you do? ...Ah, such complexity brought on by so little.
I wish I knew the answers to half the questions I asked. Of course, I also wish that I could speak more clearly, so that people could understand me and I wouldn't waste so many words just trying to find my ground. Oh, I guess it'd be nice if people wanted to listen as well. Hell, let's just get really dreamy and say that not only do they care about the same things, but they have balls enough to admit to it. Like announced love: world, are you listening? I love you!
But no one hears. That's the great problem.
Another great problem is that people don't know what they want, and that they're scared of committment. I know what I want, and I'm brave (or stupid) enough to stand for it. Doesn't mean I'll get it-- so far it's really just burned-- but hey, I tried.
What do you want from life, Patrick? This is a question you've avoided answering to people for quite so time, so it's only suiting that in this opening entry you address it.
Well, here we go:
- Truth
- Love
- Work
That's all :)
What? How can you be so fucking simple? But you see, my friend, it's not that simple. "Truth"... Ah, if only I knew what that meant. Having a goal such as "finding truth, whatever that is" may seem rather difficult, but then, that's me. And it's not a goal, either. It's more of a "life pursuit." Something I'm seeking. I didn't choose to do; I just feel I have to by my very nature. No two ways about it.
"Love, love, love"... All you need is love... So very true, but I digress. But you see, I'd like to get married. Except not really, I don't have fantasies about getting married, the white dress, the wedding cake, etc. Because personally, I think wedding cake tastes like shit, and if you're going to throw a giant party, you might as well have at least food that tastes good. Like chicken wings. Mmm... chicken wings. Now I did originally want to have my wedding on a rowboat in Loch Ness, just me, my wife, and the judge, over a beautiful sunset all alone. But see, that was because I didn't want to be around my family, and I wanted to combine natural beauty and the supernatural into something insane and bizarre that none of us are quite sure about when we think of it and wait it's just me. Stop. Anyway, the only other thing I know is that at some point In My LIfe will be played at the wedding, either during the ceremony itself, or afterwards at the reception. It simply must be.
Oops, didn't address the original topic of love. Ok, let's see... Well, like I said, I don't really want to get married so much as I just want to find someone that I love that loves me. That would be really great. Duh. Why am I talking so stupid? But to have my soul mate just hold my hand, the thought of that really wants to make me cry. It's befuddling. You know, in some ways I'm certainly sex-obsessed-- I talk about it enough-- and yet that's really all it is. I truly believe in that "sharing only with people you love," not because of anything that actually has to do with my views on sex but because I'm so hopelessly in so many ways a fool for love. Except it's not foolish; that's what being smart really is, except to others it's precisely that line of thinking that makes me a fool.
Anyway, I spend a lot of my time lonely, and I don't particularly mind that; it gets bad sometimes, but then, so does being with people. Yet I can't help but feel there's someone out there who's an exception, someone who feels the same way I do, that yeah, most of the time, people just piss you off, but that's because they don't understand, and this person understands, and she's beautiful by her very nature, and somehow, somewhere, someday you're going to meet, get introduced, randomly say hello, wreck into each other's cars, whatever-- but somehow you'll meet, and it'll be happily ever after from there. Literally.
I'm dumb enough to believe love is that powerful.
Some day that belief may very well kill me.
I really don't care.
So that's that on love. I'm sure there'll be plenty more later. Always is, with those fundamental facets of existence. In fact, in love's case, the fundamental. But see, now I'm giving it too much power. Becomes ambiguous. No meaning. Because what I was really talking about before was not love in general, but romantic love. But not just romantic love, because too often people think that's just lust, but the kind of earth-shaking, planet-moving, gravity-bending, law of nature-violating, inviolate-corrupting orgasmic romantic absolutely-most-fucking-powerful love.
Not so aptly described, but hey, I do what I can.
Last, of course, is work, which basically just means I hope I can find something meaningful to do with my time. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life yet, and I probably won't be for quite a long time, but I'll do what I can, and hopefully it will be a lot and enough.
See, they all follow from each other: truth first, because without truth, nothing is real, and somewhere along the line I got the idea that the real was what counted and I haven't really questioned that before and oh my God I just got that thought for the first time and now I'm losing it the moment is gone but no doubt I'll return to it later. Anyway, and then, after a realistic basis has been achieved, love follows, because love is that ultimate life force that is the reason for our being, and maybe it will turn out that love is truth; I don't know, the jury's still out on that one. And then, once I have truth, and love, and true love, why, I'll be searching for something to do with my time so that I'm not constantly hanging around pissing my true love off. But also, perhaps by finding activities I enjoy and are beneficial that will lead me to love, so now we're going backwards, but see, all these things build off each other.
I sit here writing on this when I should be doing my independent study, but hey, I've worked hard every day, and not slacked, so now I can take a little time to myself, and besides, it's not like I'm slacking now, either, just doing something a little different.
I'm filled with such an incredible energy, at least a little bit. What a contradiction! But I haven't felt this way in a long time, which is not good, except I'm feeling this way now, so it is good. Of course, I'm a bit worried about this whole idea, because, on the one hand, I don't want to completely open everything up yet, but, on the other, I don't want to be so vague that I have to leave all the important things that are happening out, or get ridiculous by putting in a bunch of bullshit cover-ups, and I certainly don't want to keep two journals. But I don't know; I will find a way. It probably won't be what I expect, but I will find one.
As for now, I should probably be going, but as you know, before too long I'll be back again. Because otherwise I'll never shut up :)
